black slippers.

Lit practice was productive, for once.
Drinking H20, laughing, getting lost, parkway, finding Evangeline, alomst climbing the roof. Sitting on the wooden planks beside the pond, Pei Hua commenting on my dead looking gold fishes.
My legs ache the shit now, thanks to all of that walking/ running, to and fro from the mrt and back.
10.06 p.m.
I'm still typing for SAIL.

Let's not delude ourselves now shall we?
If it's over,
well-
then I guess,
it really is.
For real.
It was nice when it lasted, really, it was.
cliche as it sounds, -
we've changed.

just a little torn apart.

it's not you, or me.
It's us.

because.

because nothing really matters any longer, nothing ever does.

Friday was spent scribbling on math papers, jumping and screaming, movie marathon and laughing and crying at the Hottie & the Nottie, and Forbidden Kingdom. Den and me had our usual deep talk at our hideaway while waiting for her grandfather, then we saw Deniece. (:

Saturday was spent at Parkway with mum, and later meeting Divya at 8pm and took a taxi. I was trying to put on my earrings in the dark but it didnt work.

Divya: (uses her handphone as a torch and help me insert the earring in.) PUSH!PUSHPUSHPUSH!!

Me: OUCHOUCH!! STOP IT!

Divya: Almost there already lah. Last layer of your stupid ear skin, your hole so small how to go in?!

Me: Shut up and put it in.

We were fighting the shit all the way until the restaurant.Had fun walking around, chosing all the not-so-hot 21 years old NS guys. Waiting for Kabilen to come and drinking. Who cares about age limit? (: Went home quite late, had to change in Yogga's car, (my top mind you.) with Yogga's parents and brother there. I was eating the cake in the car too, and really, it was quite stupid and fun. I loved Sathrin's brother's cake, especially where the candles were placed. :D

Sunday was spent at Hwee Gek's house, her sister and her were fighting, entertaining stuff. And then reading road maps.We had to go to my cousin's 7th birthday party, and it was at Sengkang. My mum, obviously clueless how to get there and she couldnt read the directory so I had to read it for her. I have memorised all the different roads there already, because I flipped to it so many times. We East siders are always so clueless. (:

Me: NOW!TURN LEFT TO HOUGANG AVE 3!NONO! THAT'S SENGKANG LAH!

Mum: Have to U-turn again.

Me: NOW! SERANGOON WAY!

Mum: Then after that?

Me: TURN LEFT! hougang ave 10. now Punggol Road. Follow the LRT!

Mum: OKAY.STOP COMMANDING ME.

(:

Had to grab my cousin's birthday cake after that, it was Winx Club decorated all over. The cake shop was opposite the SANA building so I was thinking about Divya, as usual. (:

Going home we got lost again.Singapore is so small, I wonder how we managed to get lost.

Because things are so different now,

because there really isn't any reason left to love,

because when i look at you,

and you turn back,

I dont know what to make of it any longer.

you got me chasing clouds.

because nothing really ever is the same again;

have you ever felt that you can't write that exact feeling down because it's undescribable?

because you can't?

that's exactly how it feels now.

and what are we waiting for?

our forever?

i've realised that friends really are what make you,
that you really are a ton of bullshit,
that i actually hate you-
for once,
probably forever.
and i'm sure of it,
i'm not confused or fickle,
i'm made up,
that you really are-
nothing,
at all.

so this is for you, however long it lasted, whatever stupid dreams I've had, or ever wondered-
that maybe someday 'we' could happen,
illusional,
that's exactly who you are.

I'm sure you think I'm non-exsistant,
but many people actually do care,
and half the time we don't know,
so maybe we should just open up our eyes a little,
and appreciate things the way they really are,
and not what you want them to be.
so go on into that cynical stage you are in,
because you'll have to learn,
i just don't think i'll be here to see you fall,
or pick you up-
for that matter.
we all learn,
we do-
it's just when and how,
that's life ;
after all.

friday nights alway have this really wacked effect,
my apologies. (:

11.11 p.m.

I wanted to-
really did,
but now it's different and I really can't give a fuck.
You can go on and do whatever you want you know,
because birthdays don't mean anything,
and I'm never good enough anyway.
So those endless nights of tears and screams can go on,
you,
can do whatever you want,
I'll sit here and pretend that you're not anything,
you'll never fucking understand,
don't pretend like you do, or try to.

Thanks Den for unknowingly cheering me up,
I love that you are nocturnal, that I can call you whenever I want,
Sorry for almost bawling over the phone, sniffing like shit, the tears just kept coming.
Really, you made Tuesday liveable, and giving me valauble puffy eye remedies.
(:

four-teen.

Thankyou Den, for calling me at 6am and at night, jelly and earasers, WeiSze, for your superb gifts, cd-notebook-pictures-card-BILLABONG SLIPPERS-teddy bear that says "ILOVEYOU!", Yiyun for 'Angel' and that card, Paige for your chocolates and Kinder Beauno, (which I immediately ate after I got home), Divya for that Kiwi mask-Sally Hansen's Pedicure-Body Shop shower gel-and all of that beautifying nonsense, Vaish, for that wonderful gold box filled with gold stuff, Sathrin and Yogga for lip gloss and the WONDERFUL ESPRIT BAG I LOVE, Peihua for the necklace, Karen for that star shaped necklace, I really like it, Beth for that awesome card and coaster, (I think?) thank you for making my birthday so wonderful. (:

I love you all, (inclusive of the people not mentioned) like sugar,spice and everything nice.

Mondays.

Waiting for people to buy my presents is the most stupidest thing ever.
(Grammer error: most stupidest. )
I was sitting like a loser, eating my noodles, browsing through magazines the whole afternoon.
But thanks anyway, I do love trailing you all.
(:
I tried calling Kabilen in the bus, but Divya went ballistic.
" !@#$%^&*"
" Okay Divya, I'm hanging up OKAY?"

Spent the rest of the day being ordered by my mum to wash my shoes, clean up my room, (finding millions of dust particles around.) , and scrub my feet.
I hate it when mum's take leave.
The skin on my feet started peeling so my mum ordered me to use 'Sally Hansen's 18 hour renewal feet creme', 'Sally Hansen's sole lotion' and 'Sally Hansen's foot scrub' guaranteed to have sexier, soft and wonderfully restored feet.
That's when Divya called and demanded to know what I was doing.
I told her-
She said a really long "WALAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."
I'm sorry dear.
(:

The lotion made me unable to walk because they were slippery so I had to crawl around the house, up and down the stairs.

and there you walk around like you don't care,
but I know you do,
because honestly-
I do too.

the bestest, earliest birthday present ever.

I love you Geraldine. (:
Today I was trying to study Geog, and the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"It's Geraldine here, your birthday's this month right?"

She's in Brisbane, Australia, staying in a farm, surronded by cows and goats on her summer vacation. And she remembered my birthday. (:
14 years did not obviously go to waste, yet.
She forgot what week my birthday was, she was going on and on about her wonderful slacked life in Australia, tsk-ing at the number of exams lined up for me.
We talked for about an hour, the phone bill must have been-
woah.
She said that this greeting might brighten up my dull sad Singaporean life.
I know you won't see this but,
Thanks Darling. (:

crayons can melt on us for all i care-

i have wasted 10 seconds of your life.

stuck at home again, wasting my saturday with undone history assesment books, jumping around in the aircon, scribbling hearts on Divya's presents, wishing I was in the cinema eating popcorn.
knowing im really never good enough, but not really caring after all.
i hate these contemplative saturdays rotting my brain away.
no, studying dosent help.
maybe-
but on second thought,
maybe not.

the best we've ever seen.

we learn,change,fall down, pick ourselves up, live, love, lose, get hurt, waste tears, laugh, scream, get our hearts broken.

fourteen's just a number, it's not like anything going to change.

i am going to just permanatly stick myself in the aircon room, read a book, fall asleep.

i am tired shit.den has influenced me into her "bitch" mode, yiyun is going on about her sex machines and what not, I have not idea what the hell this world is coming into.

But, Im still living so i might as well make the best out of it.

divya.

Yes you, 8 days older than me.

I remember Divya, I do. That time when we were teamed up, you said you had a baby lobster before, and I believed you. When we decided to be smart enough to join red cross, those super scary times we ponned and got into trouble.those times you would call me to go on ranting about that wonderful guy you are truly in love with, you still do.i'll try to listen, sleeping, maybe. SANA course, fun fun times, meeting you at 6am to walk to East Coast, being late. Hugging my constantly, and fighting.Happy 14th, I know you won't get any mature any time soon, but getting a boyfriend helps, so yes. You'll manage fine. (:

rain drenched.

tuitions with laura and vaish, science, cars, rain- lots of it, umbrellas, swimming pools forming in my shoes, soaked, muddy, more tuitions, made some new friends, met some old ones, starbucks, sushi and somemore.
the usual thursday that have always been.
i miss last year.